ghostytrainer | prank #39

Current Location: goldenrod city, other house

Entry tags:

prank #39 | video

[John is seated on a piano bench, though he's facing away from the piano at the moment, using the instrument as sort of a backrest instead. In his lap sits a small stack of papers and the look on his face clearly says that he is all business today.]

[Brace yourselves.]

So I'm not sure why none of us thought to clear this up sooner, but it's come to my attention that there are a few things concerning the people from my universe that really should be addressed to avoid further confusion. Mainly: alternate universe selves, who's related to who, and how a sixteen year old can be a grandparent.

I have mentioned it to a few people already but basically it all boils down to something called ectobiology. To put it as simply as I can, ectobiology is the science of exploiting time loops to create babies out of paradox ghost slime. None of us were born in the typical human sense of the word, I created us all in a lab and then we went back in time on meteors and crash landed on Earth. And it's all thanks to a game called SBURB which I'm not going to go into too much detail about because it's really only marginally relevant and I will be here all day if I try to explain it.

Anyway...thanks to ectobiology, we have two family trees to deal with here:

[At that, he holds up two of the papers in his lap.]

Sorry, I'm not the best artist but hopefully you get the idea here. Jane Crocker and Jake English's slime was combined to create Jade Harley and yours truly, John Egbert; Roxy Lalonde and Dirk Strider's slime was combined to make Rose Lalonde and Dave Strider. So if you were wondering why in the world Jake and I look so similar, there's your answer. Technically he's my dad. Jane, Jake, Roxy, and Dirk don't have any ectoparents since I cloned them from their own adult selves. With me so far?

[He pauses.]

Good, because here's where it gets kind of weird. See, in order for the paradox clone babies to make it to Earth, they have to go through these portals surrounding a place called Skaia.

[He sets the two family trees down on the piano behind him so that he can hold up a third drawing.]

Skaia is this giant blue ball of creative energy that has a whole bunch of clouds that you can see the future in. In order to protect itself from damage by meteors, it has a whole bunch of these portal things, which it uses to redirect the meteors to the player's home planet. In this case: Earth. Since Skaia exists in a place outside of Earth's timeline, it can send the meteors to any point in time that it wants. Now...like any other video games, sometimes you fuck up catastrophically when playing SBURB and you are forced to restart the game. But since SBURB isn't so much a video game as it is your entire existence, the consequences of a reset have a little more impact. When you reset a game of SBURB, you reset your entire universe, and the meteors get redirected. Don't ask me why this is, I have no idea, that's something Rose could answer better than me since she's the one who actually researched that part. We haven't even reset the game from my perspective yet. But that's beside the point, point is: there are two different iterations of our universe and the main difference between them is which set of kids ends up as the players and which set ends up as the guardians of said players.

[The picture of Skaia joins the family trees on the piano as John holds up the very last piece of paper, which is thankfully void of any "art".]

I think the timeline pretty much speaks for itself. There are two possible versions of all eight of us: a teenage SBURB player and an adult guardian. This is why Jane sometimes calls me poppop instead of John and why there are two different Dirks here. Genetically speaking, we are the same people, but personality wise there can be some wild variance because of how we were raised. So for you more psychological types out there, we are basically walking examples of nature vs. nurture.

[He sets down the last piece of paper.]

Most of you probably don't care about any of this but I know there were a few people who were confused so I figured it would be best to clear it up now in case more of us show up. I probably missed a few things in this explanation but I was trying to keep it as short and simple as possible. So if you have any questions, feel free to ask. If I can't answer it, hopefully someone else from my universe can.

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[Oh Jesus fucking Christ why is this conversation happening. Why. What has he done to deserve this? He's getting frustrated. So fucking frustrated because has he really been that obvious? He's been trying to hide it, he's been trying to be a friend to her instead of making advances on her. He thought he's done fine- but other people are noticing? Fuck. Fuuuuck.]

What the fuck makes you think any of this, anyway? I mean honestly, I don't know what gave you the impression I have romance issues or whatever.

[Jake gives it some serious thought before answering Bro.]

It's your inflection when you talk about her, I suppose. [He smiles a little teasingly.] And you sort of admitted that you liked her.

...

Go to your room.

But you're not my father.

[Small pause.]

Or my grandmother. And I can't go to my room if I'm flying towards Goldenrod.

As we've learned today, ectobiology is a confusing clusterfuck of not actual fuckery. For all we know, maybe some of my slime got all up in your slime and I am in fact your father.

Then if I dated Dirk, it would be considered incest. I truly don't think he'd like that very much.

[Good thing Dirk isn't here to see this!]

Hey, speaking of that...

[Anything to take the spotlight off himself.]

Who're you leanin' towards?

[Ugh. He looks uncomfortable.]

I don't know, honestly. I mean, they're both really great people and the best friends I could ever ask for, and I think I could be really happy with either of them! It's just...I don't know my feelings toward them because the only love I've ever experienced was the grandmother-grandson type. So, I'm kind of hoping to figure it out by asking Rose and John.

[And he's not sure if he should ask an older, alternate universe version of Dirk for advice.]

[He's quiet for a few seconds, as he mulls over his words. There was a time when he didn't want to get involved. He didn't want to alienate one or the other, but... After having gotten to know them both. All three of them, really, he... feels better about getting involved. He shouldn't, yes, but honestly he's tired of them being caught in this stupid little love triangle.]

Alright, before I say anything... The question is, d'you want to hear what I have to say?

[He's giving YOU a choice, unlike you.]

[Jake looks like he's done with this nonsense, too, really.]

Of course. I'll take anything I can get at this point. I mean, it's been...rather stressful.

Then...

[He takes a deep breath.]

Go for Dirk. And I'm not just saying that because he's me and I don't want to see myself get rejected. That hardly plays into it at all, if I can be honest. I just... think it might be easier on Jane in the long run. She'll be okay. But... Dirk? I'm not so sure.

[He looks in thought for a moment, trying to sort out what he's trying to say.]

I'm not saying he wouldn't be okay. But he would hold onto it for a long time, and it'd hurt. He won't just bounce back from it. And from the looks of it, I... don't think he has a backup. But Jane? I think she has plenty of other opportunities.

[If he's honest with himself, he's thinking about Dave. The two of them really get along, and... Well, he thinks it's a good match. For the both of them. He doesn't want to see Jane get hurt, but... If it leads to them being a possibility? He supports it.]

Dirk might too, for all I know. But if it's hurting somebody you're worried about, then you should know Dirk is probably going to take it the hardest, if he's anything like me.

[He pauses again.]

Don't... tell anybody I said any of this. Especially Dirk, you got that?

[Jake nods, and he's quiet during it all, as he promised. He didn't think about any of that. He's so used to seeing Dirk as being a strong...pillar. Supportive, courageous, careful, and he always seems to have a plan.

Hearing this...hearing that Dirk might not be as strong as he originally thought...well.]

I won't tell a soul. Cross my heart. But...I don't like to admit it, but I do think you're right. Still...if it turns out I don't like him like that, then...that seems far crueler to me.

[Jake smiles a little though.]

I guess that just means that I should be extra careful and not rush this, huh?

Actually, I wouldn't beat around the bush too much longer, either. You don't wanna rush it, no, but at the same time... How long has this been going on? It seems like it's been going on since before I fucking got here. The two of them don't deserve to be jerked around for too much longer, either.

[This shit is ridiculous, and it's giving him a headache. But he's stayed back and not gotten involved for far too long. As annoyed as he is with Dirk, he's just as concerned for his well being as he is Jane's. He knows what romantic shit is like, even if he hasn't dated much. It's stressful, and one of the reasons he did stop dating. It's far easier to have one night stands, after all. Relationships are just full of stress and hurt. Considering Dirk is basically a younger version of himself, the last thing he would want for the kid is to get hurt by all this shit. It's just a weird protectiveness he feels for him. And then there's Jane, who he's come to see in a weird way as like family. He doesn't want her hurt by it, either. If it's delayed too much longer, it'll just hurt all of them unnecessarily. So if he can make sure that isn't a thing, then he's going to fucking involve himself in order to prevent it.]

But I'll tell you one thing. You make your choice and you fucking stick to it. I'm not saying that you can't break up or whatever, no. That'd be stupid. But if you do, you don't fucking go to the one you didn't chose. So if you go for Dirk and you two end up not working out?

Then you better not go crawling to Jane. That's going to just make her feel like second best. No, whoever you chose, then you better let the other move the fuck on. Otherwise it's just not fair. You got that? If you don't, then me and you are going to have words. They won't be pretty.

I'm not threatening you, by the way. I just want you to know the seriousness of this shit. Feelings aren't something you just fucking toy with.

Heck if I know, but it can't have been more than three years, at least for Dirk. I had suspected something to that effect when I was 13, but he'd denied that it was a thing. Then, in my perspective, Roxy had told me that Dirk and Jane had romantic inclinations towards me, but when I asked Jane about it she had said it wasn't anything of the sort. I was proved otherwise during Christmas, of course, but I don't plan on spoiling Valentine's Day with this.

[He can't help grinning at Bro, he really can't.]

Dirk would probably kick my ass to next Tuesday for saying this, but you two are more similar than I think he realizes! In all seriousness, I won't go to her or Dirk if it doesn't work out. They deserve far better than that.

Christ, this shit has been going on longer than I thought. Three years. How the hell have you all not just imploded in on yourselves? I'm surprised Dirk's waited around this long. The kid must really fucking like you.

[Wow. Stop grinning. It's simultaneously endearing and annoying. In a totally not pervy way, because he's still shaken up from the whole Gamzee thing, he can maybe see what Dirk sees in Jake. He's cute, and a major goober. He likes those qualities in somebody himself.]

Excuse me? We're not that fucking similar, I don't know what you're talking about.

But good, you're right. They do. Don't let me down, man. Don't break more hearts than you need to.

I don't really know. I think you'd have to ask him if you really want to.

]Since...Jake doesn't want to know and probably shouldn't know.

No, he'll continue to grin. Bro should try it sometime.]

It's a compliment, really! Dirk would likely react the same way you are. He's pretty protective, haha!

Roger!

Yeah, no. I'm not sticking my nose in his business anymore than I already have.

[He's just going to grumble under his breath at that, rolling his eyes. Compliment, his ass.]

Whatever. Good luck with your problems, kid. Contact me if you really need something. Until then, I'm out.

[Click.]

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