dave's gone. again. luda just showed up and i keep getting the disconnect message. i just thought everyone might want to know. everyone who knew him anyway. if you didn't then i guess you can just ignore this. and...that's it then.
[He's not exactly sure why that's funny but it kind of is so he giggles a little bit.]
So is this a monumental keystone then? Has this cemented our status as intergalactic bromigos? Is that what you're trying to to tell me in your own ornery way?
[Another small laugh, though this one kind of tapers off a bit.]
No, but I get what you're trying to do. And I appreciate it. But, you know...believe it or not? I am capable of feeling things aside from ridiculous cheerfulness and obliviousness...if that's even an emotion. Which it isn't. The point is: I do have the full emotional range. Give me a day or two though, I will put my happy face back on and then you can yell at me about what a clueless, cheerful fuckass I am until you're blue in the face.
Heh, didn't think so. But can you blame me for trying?
We have it because if you yell at someone long enough your face goes past red and turns a purplish blue color. I guess? I didn't make up the saying. What's a blueblood though?
[And it sort of is. Karkat could have worded it a lot worse than he did, John has no doubt about that. But what he said was enough to get John thinking about things that he'd rather not think about and definitely does not want to talk about. He's said enough as it is.]
There's not really much else to say. Dave left again, I feel like shit again, and I'll be over it in a day or so. Probably even less time than that! I'm kind of starting to get used to the idea of everyone leaving eventually.
[Yes but...FEELINGS. Can he just kind of...not share them?]
I'm used to it. I'm the multiple universes' number one shitting post, after all. You learn to be a jaded, pessimistic asshole with that kind of life. Makes the disappointments sting less.
[No one ever said he was heartening in his self-views, either.]
Hmm. When I said that, it was more about you humping my proverbial leg in... [Hello awkward metaphor time. Cough.] ... in a platonic, non-homosexual, friend-seeking kind of way. You have kind of--actually not kind of, but blatantly shoved the whole buddy thing at me even at my deepest moments of hatred for you.
But you said desperate for friends, plural, right there.
[Just gonna...pretend you didn't word it like that. Moving on!]
Uhh...well I misunderstood then. My bad. I thought you meant that I was just...generally desperate for friends. And that's...kind of true. [Aaaand looking back at the floor now!]
[He leans in a little closer at that answer, eyebrows drawing in.]
You? Really? I mean thrusting your friendship on me like some compulsive companion donation spree is one thing, but I thought that was just you being completely blind to the rage and loathing I was exuding in your general direction for reasons I can't begin to fathom. But if it's a thing for you normally, then... why?
I mean, I'm a total fucking asshole who hates everyone, and yet I still get people who come and befriend me whether I like it or foam at the mouth in sheer disgust at the idea. You're... Okay, you're stupid and your taste in movies is shit and your buck teeth aren't winning you any beauty points, but I figured your cheery, optimistic antics would win over most people here.
[He says nothing for a minute, still looking at the carpet and trying to figure out how to best explain this. He was having the most trouble with figuring out where to begin.]
Did you ever wonder why there were only four of us in our session, instead of twelve? That would be because Dave, Rose, and Jade are the only friends I have. And it's because of Jade that Dave and Rose are even my friends in the first place. I don't know if the same can be said for them, but basically? I'm not very good at making friends, no matter how cheerful and optimistic I am.
Things are a little different here though. I have managed to make a few friends on my own but I'm not really that close to any of them yet. Which leaves Dave, Jade, and Rose as my only real friends. I already told you what happened with Dave. If I'm not pissing him off then I'm giving him a concussion and neither of those things are good for conversations. Neither does leaving every month or so. Jade is always with Soul, which is understandable since they're dating. And Rose...
[A pause as he grips his legs a little tighter.]
Sometimes it feels like Rose is the only one who actually wants to spend time with me. Which I'm not complaining about, I'm really glad that she does! But I don't want to keep her from anything or anybody that would be a better use of her time.
And that's...that's basically why I'm desperate for friendship. I don't like feeling so alone all the time. I don't mind physically being alone but as far as feeling that way...if that makes any sense? I'm having trouble wording this right.
[Karkat is patient for once, letting John find the right words to speak instead of forcing him to blabber out something insufficient and poorly explained. Once he does, though, his frown grows. This is actually sort of sad to hear, and it tugs at the pity-focused part of his emotions, or what he'd pin it as, anyway.]
[His jaw tightens near the last section, however, because he knows better.]
John? Stop worrying about Rose. She thinks pretty damn well of you and if anything she's probably glad to spend time with you. We are moirails, and even if I'm the one getting help from her most of the time, she does tell me stuff.
But the rest--you haven't fucked up that bad.
[He looks away now, expression darkening a touch.]
I'm going to tell you something, okay? I've done worse than you. I actually... [His throat tightens; it's hard to say.] ... got Sollux killed once. When we were playing Sgrub, I was his server player, and I didn't manage to get him in before the Vast Glub - this psychic shockwave thing let off by Feferi's lusus that killed every troll in the galaxy. And...
[He puts a hand to his forehead, thumb rubbing one temple.]
I actually knew about it through this memo. But I just thought he was fucking around, joking or something to try to piss me off, but next thing I know my screen's full of yellow and it's not honey and then Feferi's there reviving him through his dreamself. I fucked up there. I know it. But the thing is...
[He looks back to John.] He's still my friend. One of my best friends, in fact. So don't worry like that about Dave, okay? I mean... I'm not saying it's easy or that it's not something to feel bad over, but if he's as good a friend as you think, then he should stick with you still.
I can't do anything to fix him going back and forth, I'll admit, but don't forget what I said anyway.
[John still isn't so sure about Rose. Judging upon how their conversation about ten minutes ago went he's pretty sure she's upset with him over something. Maybe not though, it's hard to tell with her some times and Karkat did just say she thinks well of him. And he knows what he's talking about so...]
[As for the rest of it...he has no idea what honey has to do with anything, but the fact that Karkat is actually sharing this with him? Well it's kind of amazing, actually. Not the story, because that's pretty horrible and it makes John sad to hear it; but the fact that for once, Karkat is actually being nice to him. Trying to make him feel better, even.]
[And surprise, surprise: it's working. He does feel a little better. Enough to uncurl himself and sit on the couch like a normal person. He's even smiling a little now.]
I won't forget, because you're right: Dave is a good friend. I shouldn't give up on him, because he wouldn't give up on me. And... [A short pause.] thanks, Karkat. For listening, for sharing, for...well everything, really.
[Don't worry, Tsunkat Karkat. John understands that this sort of thing isn't easy for you. So he'll refrain from giving you a bro hug. The idea is highly tempting but he's pretty sure you're not ready to ascend to that level of friendship just yet. Baby steps here.]
[Instead, he's just going to...grin like a doofus.]
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
[ACTION]
So is this a monumental keystone then? Has this cemented our status as intergalactic bromigos? Is that what you're trying to to tell me in your own ornery way?
[Another small laugh, though this one kind of tapers off a bit.]
No, but I get what you're trying to do. And I appreciate it. But, you know...believe it or not? I am capable of feeling things aside from ridiculous cheerfulness and obliviousness...if that's even an emotion. Which it isn't. The point is: I do have the full emotional range. Give me a day or two though, I will put my happy face back on and then you can yell at me about what a clueless, cheerful fuckass I am until you're blue in the face.
[ACTION]
Why do you humans even have an expression like blue in the face? You don't have bluebloods, do you?
[ACTION]
We have it because if you yell at someone long enough your face goes past red and turns a purplish blue color. I guess? I didn't make up the saying. What's a blueblood though?
[ACTION]
[That question makes him freeze up, though, and noticeably so. Tenseness seizes his shoulders; his eyes flick away.]
It's a troll thing. None of your business.
[ACTION]
Oh, I see. Okay then.
[Not going to push the matter because tense, awkward silence is better than pushing Karkat into rage mode.]
[ACTION]
Oh, come on. I wasn't trying to be that mean with it that time.
[ACTION]
[And it sort of is. Karkat could have worded it a lot worse than he did, John has no doubt about that. But what he said was enough to get John thinking about things that he'd rather not think about and definitely does not want to talk about. He's said enough as it is.]
[ACTION]
[ACTION]
[Please believe him. Everything is cool, Karkat.]
[ACTION]
[Nope.]
[ACTION]
[Please? Just leave it at that?]
[ACTION]
[He's listening now, John. This is a rare opportunity in friendbuddy bonding times. Don't waste it.]
[ACTION]
[Yes but...FEELINGS. Can he just kind of...not share them?]
[ACTION]
[This is harder than it looks. Rose he ain't, and he's better at sorting out feelings when they pertain to romance. Which this decidedly isn't.]
Fucking weird, seeing you play the pessimist. Stop stealing my job, John.
But what about the other part? You made that face at what I said.
[ACTION]
[Believe it or not.]
What other part though? The thing about me being desperate for friends?
[ACTION]
[No one ever said he was heartening in his self-views, either.]
Hmm. When I said that, it was more about you humping my proverbial leg in... [Hello awkward metaphor time. Cough.] ... in a platonic, non-homosexual, friend-seeking kind of way. You have kind of--actually not kind of, but blatantly shoved the whole buddy thing at me even at my deepest moments of hatred for you.
But you said desperate for friends, plural, right there.
[ACTION] 1/2
[ACTION] 2/2
Uhh...well I misunderstood then. My bad. I thought you meant that I was just...generally desperate for friends. And that's...kind of true. [Aaaand looking back at the floor now!]
[ACTION]
[He leans in a little closer at that answer, eyebrows drawing in.]
You? Really? I mean thrusting your friendship on me like some compulsive companion donation spree is one thing, but I thought that was just you being completely blind to the rage and loathing I was exuding in your general direction for reasons I can't begin to fathom. But if it's a thing for you normally, then... why?
I mean, I'm a total fucking asshole who hates everyone, and yet I still get people who come and befriend me whether I like it or foam at the mouth in sheer disgust at the idea. You're... Okay, you're stupid and your taste in movies is shit and your buck teeth aren't winning you any beauty points, but I figured your cheery, optimistic antics would win over most people here.
[ACTION]
Did you ever wonder why there were only four of us in our session, instead of twelve? That would be because Dave, Rose, and Jade are the only friends I have. And it's because of Jade that Dave and Rose are even my friends in the first place. I don't know if the same can be said for them, but basically? I'm not very good at making friends, no matter how cheerful and optimistic I am.
Things are a little different here though. I have managed to make a few friends on my own but I'm not really that close to any of them yet. Which leaves Dave, Jade, and Rose as my only real friends. I already told you what happened with Dave. If I'm not pissing him off then I'm giving him a concussion and neither of those things are good for conversations. Neither does leaving every month or so. Jade is always with Soul, which is understandable since they're dating. And Rose...
[A pause as he grips his legs a little tighter.]
Sometimes it feels like Rose is the only one who actually wants to spend time with me. Which I'm not complaining about, I'm really glad that she does! But I don't want to keep her from anything or anybody that would be a better use of her time.
And that's...that's basically why I'm desperate for friendship. I don't like feeling so alone all the time. I don't mind physically being alone but as far as feeling that way...if that makes any sense? I'm having trouble wording this right.
[ACTION]
[His jaw tightens near the last section, however, because he knows better.]
John? Stop worrying about Rose. She thinks pretty damn well of you and if anything she's probably glad to spend time with you. We are moirails, and even if I'm the one getting help from her most of the time, she does tell me stuff.
But the rest--you haven't fucked up that bad.
[He looks away now, expression darkening a touch.]
I'm going to tell you something, okay? I've done worse than you. I actually... [His throat tightens; it's hard to say.] ... got Sollux killed once. When we were playing Sgrub, I was his server player, and I didn't manage to get him in before the Vast Glub - this psychic shockwave thing let off by Feferi's lusus that killed every troll in the galaxy. And...
[He puts a hand to his forehead, thumb rubbing one temple.]
I actually knew about it through this memo. But I just thought he was fucking around, joking or something to try to piss me off, but next thing I know my screen's full of yellow and it's not honey and then Feferi's there reviving him through his dreamself. I fucked up there. I know it. But the thing is...
[He looks back to John.] He's still my friend. One of my best friends, in fact. So don't worry like that about Dave, okay? I mean... I'm not saying it's easy or that it's not something to feel bad over, but if he's as good a friend as you think, then he should stick with you still.
I can't do anything to fix him going back and forth, I'll admit, but don't forget what I said anyway.
[ACTION]
[As for the rest of it...he has no idea what honey has to do with anything, but the fact that Karkat is actually sharing this with him? Well it's kind of amazing, actually. Not the story, because that's pretty horrible and it makes John sad to hear it; but the fact that for once, Karkat is actually being nice to him. Trying to make him feel better, even.]
[And surprise, surprise: it's working. He does feel a little better. Enough to uncurl himself and sit on the couch like a normal person. He's even smiling a little now.]
I won't forget, because you're right: Dave is a good friend. I shouldn't give up on him, because he wouldn't give up on me. And... [A short pause.] thanks, Karkat. For listening, for sharing, for...well everything, really.
[ACTION]
tsunderehimself means he does get a bit shy at times like this.]Yeah, yeah, whatever. Just stop your whining about things because it's not as bad as it could be.
[ACTION]
TsunkatKarkat. John understands that this sort of thing isn't easy for you. So he'll refrain from giving you a bro hug. The idea is highly tempting but he's pretty sure you're not ready to ascend to that level of friendship just yet. Baby steps here.][Instead, he's just going to...grin like a doofus.]
Okay. You're right. So no more whining from me!
[ACTION]
Took you long enough.
[ACTION]