John Egbert (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
ghostytrainer) wrote2013-02-09 03:31 pm
ghostytrainer) wrote2013-02-09 03:31 pm
prank #39 | video
[John is seated on a piano bench, though he's facing away from the piano at the moment, using the instrument as sort of a backrest instead. In his lap sits a small stack of papers and the look on his face clearly says that he is all business today.]
[Brace yourselves.]
So I'm not sure why none of us thought to clear this up sooner, but it's come to my attention that there are a few things concerning the people from my universe that really should be addressed to avoid further confusion. Mainly: alternate universe selves, who's related to who, and how a sixteen year old can be a grandparent.
I have mentioned it to a few people already but basically it all boils down to something called ectobiology. To put it as simply as I can, ectobiology is the science of exploiting time loops to create babies out of paradox ghost slime. None of us were born in the typical human sense of the word, I created us all in a lab and then we went back in time on meteors and crash landed on Earth. And it's all thanks to a game called SBURB which I'm not going to go into too much detail about because it's really only marginally relevant and I will be here all day if I try to explain it.
Anyway...thanks to ectobiology, we have two family trees to deal with here:
[At that, he holds up two of the papers in his lap.]
Sorry, I'm not the best artist but hopefully you get the idea here. Jane Crocker and Jake English's slime was combined to create Jade Harley and yours truly, John Egbert; Roxy Lalonde and Dirk Strider's slime was combined to make Rose Lalonde and Dave Strider. So if you were wondering why in the world Jake and I look so similar, there's your answer. Technically he's my dad. Jane, Jake, Roxy, and Dirk don't have any ectoparents since I cloned them from their own adult selves. With me so far?
[He pauses.]
Good, because here's where it gets kind of weird. See, in order for the paradox clone babies to make it to Earth, they have to go through these portals surrounding a place called Skaia.
[He sets the two family trees down on the piano behind him so that he can hold up a third drawing.]
Skaia is this giant blue ball of creative energy that has a whole bunch of clouds that you can see the future in. In order to protect itself from damage by meteors, it has a whole bunch of these portal things, which it uses to redirect the meteors to the player's home planet. In this case: Earth. Since Skaia exists in a place outside of Earth's timeline, it can send the meteors to any point in time that it wants. Now...like any other video games, sometimes you fuck up catastrophically when playing SBURB and you are forced to restart the game. But since SBURB isn't so much a video game as it is your entire existence, the consequences of a reset have a little more impact. When you reset a game of SBURB, you reset your entire universe, and the meteors get redirected. Don't ask me why this is, I have no idea, that's something Rose could answer better than me since she's the one who actually researched that part. We haven't even reset the game from my perspective yet. But that's beside the point, point is: there are two different iterations of our universe and the main difference between them is which set of kids ends up as the players and which set ends up as the guardians of said players.
[The picture of Skaia joins the family trees on the piano as John holds up the very last piece of paper, which is thankfully void of any "art".]
I think the timeline pretty much speaks for itself. There are two possible versions of all eight of us: a teenage SBURB player and an adult guardian. This is why Jane sometimes calls me poppop instead of John and why there are two different Dirks here. Genetically speaking, we are the same people, but personality wise there can be some wild variance because of how we were raised. So for you more psychological types out there, we are basically walking examples of nature vs. nurture.
[He sets down the last piece of paper.]
Most of you probably don't care about any of this but I know there were a few people who were confused so I figured it would be best to clear it up now in case more of us show up. I probably missed a few things in this explanation but I was trying to keep it as short and simple as possible. So if you have any questions, feel free to ask. If I can't answer it, hopefully someone else from my universe can.
[Brace yourselves.]
So I'm not sure why none of us thought to clear this up sooner, but it's come to my attention that there are a few things concerning the people from my universe that really should be addressed to avoid further confusion. Mainly: alternate universe selves, who's related to who, and how a sixteen year old can be a grandparent.
I have mentioned it to a few people already but basically it all boils down to something called ectobiology. To put it as simply as I can, ectobiology is the science of exploiting time loops to create babies out of paradox ghost slime. None of us were born in the typical human sense of the word, I created us all in a lab and then we went back in time on meteors and crash landed on Earth. And it's all thanks to a game called SBURB which I'm not going to go into too much detail about because it's really only marginally relevant and I will be here all day if I try to explain it.
Anyway...thanks to ectobiology, we have two family trees to deal with here:
[At that, he holds up two of the papers in his lap.]
Sorry, I'm not the best artist but hopefully you get the idea here. Jane Crocker and Jake English's slime was combined to create Jade Harley and yours truly, John Egbert; Roxy Lalonde and Dirk Strider's slime was combined to make Rose Lalonde and Dave Strider. So if you were wondering why in the world Jake and I look so similar, there's your answer. Technically he's my dad. Jane, Jake, Roxy, and Dirk don't have any ectoparents since I cloned them from their own adult selves. With me so far?
[He pauses.]
Good, because here's where it gets kind of weird. See, in order for the paradox clone babies to make it to Earth, they have to go through these portals surrounding a place called Skaia.
[He sets the two family trees down on the piano behind him so that he can hold up a third drawing.]
Skaia is this giant blue ball of creative energy that has a whole bunch of clouds that you can see the future in. In order to protect itself from damage by meteors, it has a whole bunch of these portal things, which it uses to redirect the meteors to the player's home planet. In this case: Earth. Since Skaia exists in a place outside of Earth's timeline, it can send the meteors to any point in time that it wants. Now...like any other video games, sometimes you fuck up catastrophically when playing SBURB and you are forced to restart the game. But since SBURB isn't so much a video game as it is your entire existence, the consequences of a reset have a little more impact. When you reset a game of SBURB, you reset your entire universe, and the meteors get redirected. Don't ask me why this is, I have no idea, that's something Rose could answer better than me since she's the one who actually researched that part. We haven't even reset the game from my perspective yet. But that's beside the point, point is: there are two different iterations of our universe and the main difference between them is which set of kids ends up as the players and which set ends up as the guardians of said players.
[The picture of Skaia joins the family trees on the piano as John holds up the very last piece of paper, which is thankfully void of any "art".]
I think the timeline pretty much speaks for itself. There are two possible versions of all eight of us: a teenage SBURB player and an adult guardian. This is why Jane sometimes calls me poppop instead of John and why there are two different Dirks here. Genetically speaking, we are the same people, but personality wise there can be some wild variance because of how we were raised. So for you more psychological types out there, we are basically walking examples of nature vs. nurture.
[He sets down the last piece of paper.]
Most of you probably don't care about any of this but I know there were a few people who were confused so I figured it would be best to clear it up now in case more of us show up. I probably missed a few things in this explanation but I was trying to keep it as short and simple as possible. So if you have any questions, feel free to ask. If I can't answer it, hopefully someone else from my universe can.
[Video]
[Video] PRIVATE
[Panicking. PANICKING. Goddd, he's so embarrassed right now. Leave it to someone to pick up on that little slip up.]
Seriously.
[Video] PRIVATE
[Video] PRIVATE
[Motherfucker--
NOT LITERALLY.
FUCK.]
Dave.
[Video] PRIVATE
[Video] PRIVATE
[Video] PRIVATE
[Video] PRIVATE
There's nothing to answer because that shouldn't have even been a question in the first place! I don't know why you're so goddamn worried. I don't stand a fuckin' chance with her- not that I'm even considering the likelihood of a chance anyway.
We're just friends Dave. Nothing more. Nothing is gonna fucking happen.
[Video] PRIVATE
Are people so concerned about their dating and all?? Is he weird? Oh what the fuck ever.]
Right. I wasn't worried, I was just asking because you've been broadcasting things so loud even I can see it. Why don't you just ask her.
[Video] PRIVATE
I don't know what signals you've been picking up, but your radio's tuned into the wrong goddamn frequency. You and English both.
[Video] PRIVATE
If you don't, no big deal. If you do, then just go for it.[He picks up the bottle of apple juice Jane made and takes a swig.]
[Video] PRIVATE
[This is not a conversation he wants to be having right now, christ in a handbasket.]
You're being an obnoxious little shit and making wild assumptions.
[Video] PRIVATE
[He sighs.] So does this mean when you make wild assumptions I can tell you to stop?
[Video] PRIVATE
[He wishes you would stop swigging your applejuice like a douchebag goddamn. Or maybe he's just jealous. Maybe he wants something to swig. Like a nice adult beverage. A beer would be fucking awesome right now. Or maybe something a little stronger. Definitely something stronger, yeah.]
No. I think you're forgetting that you're still the little Strider in this situation. I do what I want.
[Video] PRIVATE
[Video] PRIVATE
The whole condescending bullshit is my thing, you asshole. Stop. You think you know me so well, but you don't! I ain't some open book that just anybody can read. What you think you're readin' is probably just what I want you to read anyway. I have layers, Dave. You're just on the first one.
[Blah blah blah, you know when he does this, it's obvious that he's trying to hide shit.]
Shrek. Think Shrek. I'm Shrek in this scenario.
[Video] PRIVATE
[Video] PRIVATE
[Video] PRIVATE
[Video] PRIVATE
[Seriously he is so not letting you get through this conversation without answering the question. Stop trying to be evasive!]
[Video] PRIVATE
He just goes for it.] You keep making wild assumptions about my love life, too.
[Video] PRIVATE
That double standard. What about it? I'm the adult here, I'm totally allowed to make assumptions about your love life.
[...But considering how much he hates Dave making assumptions about this, he realizes that his own medicine tastes really goddamn shitty. So... fine.]
But point made. You want me to stop? I'll fuckin' stop.
[Video] PRIVATE
The reason it will take to long isn't just the breeder con, I'm getting a magnet train pass and they want me to a do a bit of paperwork. Nothing bad.
Once I get this pass it's reuseable at anytime. It will only take me six hours to get to Kanto and I'll fly out of Saffron. Fyi - you're getting the whole gang; me, Rose, John, and Jade.
Re: [Video] PRIVATE
But... seriously? You're all coming? When was this decided? Why wasn't I informed? This is big fucking news. Especially if-
[John is coming.]
We're gonna need to buy more tents. Y'know, to fit everyone. We gotte be prepared and shit.
[Video] PRIVATE
[There's a pause then he shrugs.] Nah. We got our own stuff. Unless you're planning like some wilderness retreat. I do want to explore the mountains and shit.