prank #39 | video

[ghostytrainer]

[John is seated on a piano bench, though he's facing away from the piano at the moment, using the instrument as sort of a backrest instead. In his lap sits a small stack of papers and the look on his face clearly says that he is all business today.]

[Brace yourselves.]

So I'm not sure why none of us thought to clear this up sooner, but it's come to my attention that there are a few things concerning the people from my universe that really should be addressed to avoid further confusion. Mainly: alternate universe selves, who's related to who, and how a sixteen year old can be a grandparent.

I have mentioned it to a few people already but basically it all boils down to something called ectobiology. To put it as simply as I can, ectobiology is the science of exploiting time loops to create babies out of paradox ghost slime. None of us were born in the typical human sense of the word, I created us all in a lab and then we went back in time on meteors and crash landed on Earth. And it's all thanks to a game called SBURB which I'm not going to go into too much detail about because it's really only marginally relevant and I will be here all day if I try to explain it.

Anyway...thanks to ectobiology, we have two family trees to deal with here:

[At that, he holds up two of the papers in his lap.]



Sorry, I'm not the best artist but hopefully you get the idea here. Jane Crocker and Jake English's slime was combined to create Jade Harley and yours truly, John Egbert; Roxy Lalonde and Dirk Strider's slime was combined to make Rose Lalonde and Dave Strider. So if you were wondering why in the world Jake and I look so similar, there's your answer. Technically he's my dad. Jane, Jake, Roxy, and Dirk don't have any ectoparents since I cloned them from their own adult selves. With me so far?

[He pauses.]

Good, because here's where it gets kind of weird. See, in order for the paradox clone babies to make it to Earth, they have to go through these portals surrounding a place called Skaia.

[He sets the two family trees down on the piano behind him so that he can hold up a third drawing.]



Skaia is this giant blue ball of creative energy that has a whole bunch of clouds that you can see the future in. In order to protect itself from damage by meteors, it has a whole bunch of these portal things, which it uses to redirect the meteors to the player's home planet. In this case: Earth. Since Skaia exists in a place outside of Earth's timeline, it can send the meteors to any point in time that it wants. Now...like any other video games, sometimes you fuck up catastrophically when playing SBURB and you are forced to restart the game. But since SBURB isn't so much a video game as it is your entire existence, the consequences of a reset have a little more impact. When you reset a game of SBURB, you reset your entire universe, and the meteors get redirected. Don't ask me why this is, I have no idea, that's something Rose could answer better than me since she's the one who actually researched that part. We haven't even reset the game from my perspective yet. But that's beside the point, point is: there are two different iterations of our universe and the main difference between them is which set of kids ends up as the players and which set ends up as the guardians of said players.

[The picture of Skaia joins the family trees on the piano as John holds up the very last piece of paper, which is thankfully void of any "art".]



I think the timeline pretty much speaks for itself. There are two possible versions of all eight of us: a teenage SBURB player and an adult guardian. This is why Jane sometimes calls me poppop instead of John and why there are two different Dirks here. Genetically speaking, we are the same people, but personality wise there can be some wild variance because of how we were raised. So for you more psychological types out there, we are basically walking examples of nature vs. nurture.

[He sets down the last piece of paper.]

Most of you probably don't care about any of this but I know there were a few people who were confused so I figured it would be best to clear it up now in case more of us show up. I probably missed a few things in this explanation but I was trying to keep it as short and simple as possible. So if you have any questions, feel free to ask. If I can't answer it, hopefully someone else from my universe can.

Comments

[Video]

[plushaeusrumpified]

What do you mean why not? Ectobiology, numb-nuts. I never got the opportunity.

[...Shitfucks, he hopes she doesn't notice this. He didn't quite mean to say it like that.]

[Video]

[moveslikestrider]

'Never got the opportunity'. Please tell me when I get there I'm not going to walk in on you two romancing. I can delay myself a few days, let you get that out of your system.

[Video] PRIVATE

[plushaeusrumpified]

Holy shit. Dude, the fuck? Are you trying to make it goddamn awkward between me and Rox? We're not banging! We're just friends. Oh my god.

[Panicking. PANICKING. Goddd, he's so embarrassed right now. Leave it to someone to pick up on that little slip up.]

Seriously.

[Video] PRIVATE

[moveslikestrider]

I didn't say you were banging. I asked if you wanted V-Day to yourselves. You assumed, Bro.

[Video] PRIVATE

[plushaeusrumpified]

I- You-

[Motherfucker--

NOT LITERALLY.

FUCK.]

Dave.

[Video] PRIVATE

[moveslikestrider]

What.

[Video] PRIVATE

[plushaeusrumpified]

Go to your room.

[Video] PRIVATE

[moveslikestrider]

[Dave just pans the gear around at the inside of his hotel room. Pokemon look up from their places including Trapinch gnawing on some block of wood Dave got for it.] I'm already in my room. Would you answer the question already.

[Video] PRIVATE

[plushaeusrumpified]

[Oh, for Christ's sake. CAN'T YOU GO TO SOMEBODY ELSES ROOM THEN?]

There's nothing to answer because that shouldn't have even been a question in the first place! I don't know why you're so goddamn worried. I don't stand a fuckin' chance with her- not that I'm even considering the likelihood of a chance anyway.

We're just friends Dave. Nothing more. Nothing is gonna fucking happen.

[Video] PRIVATE

[moveslikestrider]

[A rare, rare moment happens. Dave sighs like he's the adult and puts a hand over his face like he needs five seconds so he doesn't strangle his kid. Why.

Are people so concerned about their dating and all?? Is he weird? Oh what the fuck ever.]

Right. I wasn't worried, I was just asking because you've been broadcasting things so loud even I can see it. Why don't you just ask her.

[Video] PRIVATE

[plushaeusrumpified]

[Bro really doesn't help the little parent-to-child swap, because when Dave does that, he just folds his arms and gives him a look. The immature kind.]

I don't know what signals you've been picking up, but your radio's tuned into the wrong goddamn frequency. You and English both.

[Video] PRIVATE

[moveslikestrider]

What was that shit you used to tell me? [Oh right.] You're protesting too much, man.

If you don't, no big deal. If you do, then just go for it.[He picks up the bottle of apple juice Jane made and takes a swig.]

[Video] PRIVATE

[plushaeusrumpified]

I am not!

[This is not a conversation he wants to be having right now, christ in a handbasket.]

You're being an obnoxious little shit and making wild assumptions.

[Video]

[hoperaider]

No no no, Bro, I mean. Didn't you both see each other after arriving off the meteors?

[Video]

[plushaeusrumpified]

Yeah, so what's your point? Nothing happened between us.

[Video]

[hoperaider]

Well, why not? I mean, if she's anything like her teen self, then I know that she's a person worth chasing.

[Video]

[plushaeusrumpified]

She is, but- I mean-

We didn't! That's all you need to know, alright? Just. It wasn't a thing that happened. Circumstances and the like, it's just. It didn't happen. That's all there is to it.

[He regrets ever involving himself in this goddamn conversation.]

[Video | Private]

[hoperaider]

[He makes this private out of pity. And that no Strider should be so publicly seen stuttering.]

No, no, that's not all I need to know! Even if you're from separate universes, you're still iterations of my best friends.

[Jake tilts his head, really not understanding.]

I mean, goodness, man, even I can tell you like her. Why don't you just tell her now that you're both here?

[Pot calling kettle.]

[Video | Private]

[plushaeusrumpified]

I don't like her!

[Wait... No. Ugh. That isn't what he mean. Fuck.]

I mean, I do! I just...

[Fuck this whole goddamn conversation. With a rake. Sideways.]

Don't you have your own problems to deal with? Last I heard, not everything was so peachy keen in Jaketown. You should probably go deal with that instead of making assumptions about how I may or may not feel about a certain Lalonde.

[Video | Private]

[hoperaider]

I am dealing with it, with a bit of help from John and Rose. You seem to be the one who hasn't been dealing with it.

[Poor Bro. Sort of.]

Why not ask her out? I mean, it's not like you've got two people vying for your romantic interest.

[Video | Private]

[plushaeusrumpified]

[Oh Jesus fucking Christ why is this conversation happening. Why. What has he done to deserve this? He's getting frustrated. So fucking frustrated because has he really been that obvious? He's been trying to hide it, he's been trying to be a friend to her instead of making advances on her. He thought he's done fine- but other people are noticing? Fuck. Fuuuuck.]

What the fuck makes you think any of this, anyway? I mean honestly, I don't know what gave you the impression I have romance issues or whatever.

[Video | Private]

[hoperaider]

[Jake gives it some serious thought before answering Bro.]

It's your inflection when you talk about her, I suppose. [He smiles a little teasingly.] And you sort of admitted that you liked her.

[Video | Private]

[plushaeusrumpified]

...

Go to your room.

[Video | Private]

[hoperaider]

But you're not my father.

[Small pause.]

Or my grandmother. And I can't go to my room if I'm flying towards Goldenrod.

[Video | Private]

[plushaeusrumpified]

As we've learned today, ectobiology is a confusing clusterfuck of not actual fuckery. For all we know, maybe some of my slime got all up in your slime and I am in fact your father.