dave's gone. again. luda just showed up and i keep getting the disconnect message. i just thought everyone might want to know. everyone who knew him anyway. if you didn't then i guess you can just ignore this. and...that's it then.
I'm not sure I am over him, because it still fucking hurts, but... I'm over trying to get anything with him now.
And it's not an issue of me being able to have one, it's an issue of...
Fuck it, I don't know how to explain. It's just, when that gets taken away, and then shit goes like it does after that, it's not exactly encouraging. Not like you've ever been in the same boat, so don't think you have any fucking room to talk.
[He's not really sure what to say to that, really. Karkat has a point, John really doesn't have any room to talk. He's trying to understand but...he really can't.]
Well...isn't it better to have had something and lost it then to have never had it at all? I mean it may hurt but, at least you had it. You know you had it. You can still look back on it fondly.
I meant the first time! When it was, you know hate-romantic or whatever it was. That's what I was talking about. And jeez, I know you're upset but don't take it out on me. I am trying to make help you feel better and I'm sorry if I'm not the best at it but I am trying!
And I already feel like shit, so if all you're going to do is make me feel even worse about myself than I already do, then just...just leave. Okay? The last thing I want to listen to right now is you telling me how stupid I am.
[Grumblegrumble.] I know what you meant, but the fact it went nowhere this time makes the relationship kind of pointless now.
But fine. I'll shut up, alright? Now stop whining about me and get onto the main issue, because I'm tired of talking about my own issues when you haven't shared a damn thing yet.
[John doesn't even notice the attempt at a comforting gesture, but since he wasn't really expecting it he wouldn't know to look for it. Head still forward facing, his eyes flit down to stare at some point on the carpet several feet away.]
No...we are and he doesn't but...
...I'm really getting tired of him leaving. As much as I would love to have him here again, if he's just going to leave a third time...
[His head droops, gaze finding his hands, his shoulders slumped.]
See. That's why I'm giving up. He left the first time and took everything. He left the second time without anything happening. If he comes here a third time, who even knows if trying anything will work, and even if he does, what if he just leaves then, too?
I can see why you would now, when you put it that way.
[He sighs.]
It was cool the first time around, for a while anyway. Then after he passed out that one time things...changed. We got into a stupid fight over it and even though I apologized he just became distant. He was there, but at the same time he wasn't. And I still don't even know if that was my fault or what I did. It probably was though.
Then he came back and he didn't remember the fight or whatever it was I did that pissed him off so everything was great again! Or at least it was until I fucked up so bad that he got his head beat in because of me. [A nervous laugh.] Wow, there's another reason for him to just stay in the medium. If he does back, I will probably manage to get him killed somehow because I am just the best friend a coolkid could ever ask for!
[Karkat's jaw tightens then. For all he likes to play the asshole, and for all the difference of his situation, the guy does care sometimes. By the end of it, his hand, which had been twitching uncertainly where it lay, finally does reach out to touch his shoulder.]
John? Stop. Stop that shit right now. You maybe be an idiot - and don't bitch at me about that because I'm stating it as a plain fact, and I'm admitting for the record that I can be a pretty big dumbass myself sometimes - but stop thinking you're that stupid.
If anything anyone would get killed because I was too much of a fucking shitty leader to keep an eye on Gamzee.
[The fact that Karkat is actually touching him is enough to get him to stop trying to bore holes into the carpet with his eyes. The statement that follows? It's enough to get him to look turn his head and gape at the former-troll. That was pretty much the last thing he ever expected to hear.]
But that's because you are stupid. Always have been, always will be. It's like your superpower: ridiculous idiocy in the face of everything, including your own emotions.
Seriously, stop the whiny depressive act. You're supposed to be like, ridiculously cheery and oblivious and blathering on about how we're buddies or some shit and this is some monumental keystone in the foundation of our friendship and interuniversal palhomie relations, or something equally retarded.
[He's not exactly sure why that's funny but it kind of is so he giggles a little bit.]
So is this a monumental keystone then? Has this cemented our status as intergalactic bromigos? Is that what you're trying to to tell me in your own ornery way?
[Another small laugh, though this one kind of tapers off a bit.]
No, but I get what you're trying to do. And I appreciate it. But, you know...believe it or not? I am capable of feeling things aside from ridiculous cheerfulness and obliviousness...if that's even an emotion. Which it isn't. The point is: I do have the full emotional range. Give me a day or two though, I will put my happy face back on and then you can yell at me about what a clueless, cheerful fuckass I am until you're blue in the face.
Heh, didn't think so. But can you blame me for trying?
We have it because if you yell at someone long enough your face goes past red and turns a purplish blue color. I guess? I didn't make up the saying. What's a blueblood though?
[And it sort of is. Karkat could have worded it a lot worse than he did, John has no doubt about that. But what he said was enough to get John thinking about things that he'd rather not think about and definitely does not want to talk about. He's said enough as it is.]
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I'm not sure I am over him, because it still fucking hurts, but... I'm over trying to get anything with him now.
And it's not an issue of me being able to have one, it's an issue of...
Fuck it, I don't know how to explain. It's just, when that gets taken away, and then shit goes like it does after that, it's not exactly encouraging. Not like you've ever been in the same boat, so don't think you have any fucking room to talk.
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[He's not really sure what to say to that, really. Karkat has a point, John really doesn't have any room to talk. He's trying to understand but...he really can't.]
Well...isn't it better to have had something and lost it then to have never had it at all? I mean it may hurt but, at least you had it. You know you had it. You can still look back on it fondly.
[Blind optimism is always the answer, right?]
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And I already feel like shit, so if all you're going to do is make me feel even worse about myself than I already do, then just...just leave. Okay? The last thing I want to listen to right now is you telling me how stupid I am.
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But fine. I'll shut up, alright? Now stop whining about me and get onto the main issue, because I'm tired of talking about my own issues when you haven't shared a damn thing yet.
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I...almost wish that he'll just...stay home this time.
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[Then thinks better of it, dropping his hand back to his lap.]
Why? Aren't you two pretty close? It's not like he forgets you every time.
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No...we are and he doesn't but...
...I'm really getting tired of him leaving. As much as I would love to have him here again, if he's just going to leave a third time...
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See. That's why I'm giving up. He left the first time and took everything. He left the second time without anything happening. If he comes here a third time, who even knows if trying anything will work, and even if he does, what if he just leaves then, too?
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[He sighs.]
It was cool the first time around, for a while anyway. Then after he passed out that one time things...changed. We got into a stupid fight over it and even though I apologized he just became distant. He was there, but at the same time he wasn't. And I still don't even know if that was my fault or what I did. It probably was though.
Then he came back and he didn't remember the fight or whatever it was I did that pissed him off so everything was great again! Or at least it was until I fucked up so bad that he got his head beat in because of me. [A nervous laugh.] Wow, there's another reason for him to just stay in the medium. If he does back, I will probably manage to get him killed somehow because I am just the best friend a coolkid could ever ask for!
[ACTION]
John? Stop. Stop that shit right now. You maybe be an idiot - and don't bitch at me about that because I'm stating it as a plain fact, and I'm admitting for the record that I can be a pretty big dumbass myself sometimes - but stop thinking you're that stupid.
If anything anyone would get killed because I was too much of a fucking shitty leader to keep an eye on Gamzee.
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[He doesn't even know what to say to that.]
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Stop staring.
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Sorry! That's just...I never expected to hear that from you.
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Shut up! I'm not always an unabating asshole.
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[Congratulations, Karkat. You got a small smile out of him.]
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Seriously, stop the whiny depressive act. You're supposed to be like, ridiculously cheery and oblivious and blathering on about how we're buddies or some shit and this is some monumental keystone in the foundation of our friendship and interuniversal palhomie relations, or something equally retarded.
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So is this a monumental keystone then? Has this cemented our status as intergalactic bromigos? Is that what you're trying to to tell me in your own ornery way?
[Another small laugh, though this one kind of tapers off a bit.]
No, but I get what you're trying to do. And I appreciate it. But, you know...believe it or not? I am capable of feeling things aside from ridiculous cheerfulness and obliviousness...if that's even an emotion. Which it isn't. The point is: I do have the full emotional range. Give me a day or two though, I will put my happy face back on and then you can yell at me about what a clueless, cheerful fuckass I am until you're blue in the face.
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Why do you humans even have an expression like blue in the face? You don't have bluebloods, do you?
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We have it because if you yell at someone long enough your face goes past red and turns a purplish blue color. I guess? I didn't make up the saying. What's a blueblood though?
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[That question makes him freeze up, though, and noticeably so. Tenseness seizes his shoulders; his eyes flick away.]
It's a troll thing. None of your business.
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Oh, I see. Okay then.
[Not going to push the matter because tense, awkward silence is better than pushing Karkat into rage mode.]
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Oh, come on. I wasn't trying to be that mean with it that time.
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[And it sort of is. Karkat could have worded it a lot worse than he did, John has no doubt about that. But what he said was enough to get John thinking about things that he'd rather not think about and definitely does not want to talk about. He's said enough as it is.]
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